If I were to rank factors that I believe are necessary for a successful retirement, I would include following:
- Having a purpose, expressed through activities that energize us and affirm our value – especially as we let go of our professional identities.
2. Seeking and following wise counsel as we make critical decisions.
3. Choosing a healthy lifestyle and a healthy attitude about aging.
4. Continuing to seek new experiences, to be life-long learners.
All of these I have written about in blog posts. But I missed one, another critical element:
5. Belonging.
One of the most difficult, and unexpected turn of events in retirement is severing connection to a former company or institution – in short, losing the comfort of belonging. Naively, during my first retirement year, I tried to remain relevant to my former school district. I accepted a part-time job at a middle school – a season that lasted for one term and was never repeated – and I continued to volunteer for a professional organization – but my knowledge of the issues of the district did not grow with the district itself. Soon, my ideas were outdated.
There is probably nothing worse than being a wraith-like stalker of a past working life.
But retirement forces reality – and, as always, I am confronted with a choice: stay at home, look over old photos of myself in my job, pout – and feel left out, underappreciated, lonely. Or I can seek new groups.
I recently met with my small group from church at a local restaurant – we had finished our studies for the year, and this was the first time we had met together since our last meeting. The food was good, but the thing I felt as I sat among my friends was that I truly belonged there. I felt joyful, comforted, accepted.
I have met other retirees who struggle – having lost friendships, they have been unable to forge new ones; having lost a work-related direction, they slog through days without purpose.
I used to joke with another single friend of mine: I’m waiting for Mr. Right to knock at my front door, and then I’ll begin a new relationship. We laughed at that, but less humorous is that some of my retired friends are indeed waiting for the knock at their doors from the opportunity to belong.
It hasn’t been difficult for me to find and join my groups. I have a church in two different cities and belong to three small groups. These are friends who are sad when it is my time to leave either city and who welcome me back warmly when I return.
In both cities, I volunteer – at a food pantry in one and an alternative pregnancy center in the other; the other volunteers almost automatically become a group of friends.
And I belong to interest groups: a book club in one city and a knitting group in the other. Instant belonging!
And here’s a bonus: not only do these groups offer me a place to belong, but they also provide many of the other critical elements for a successful retirement.
Where do I receive counsel in decision-making? My church groups –they listen with sympathy and offer concrete suggestions.
Where do I receive a sense of purpose? My volunteer groups — they remind me that I have value.
Where can I explore new learning? My hobby groups – they encourage me to seek new experiences.
It is this aspect of retirement, belonging to groups, that has made this redesigned life rich and fulfilling.
I invite you to seek out your own retirement-affirming groups and discover the path for success and the joy of belonging that they offer.