Enough! No more moaning over changes and loss! Time to flip the coin and look at the gifts, gains I was unable to recognize until I reached retirement.
One of these gifts has been the acquisition of wisdom. And when I read Proverbs 2, I learn
For wisdom will enter your heart,
and knowledge will be pleasant to your soul.
Discretion will protect you,
and understanding will guard you.
Note that, like so many qualities that make a person whole and contented, wisdom is not something we can seek; rather, it enters our hearts.
How does that happen? We gather information, perhaps sub-consciously, as we move through life experiences. At the time of their occurrence, we are not always aware (we see through a glass darkly) of the impact and meaning of these events. But slowly, through times of introspection, we can become aware of their import and can make decisions about whether to confirm or reject their importance to our lives.
Let me give you an example: For much of my pre-retirement years, two scripts played out in my life: one, that I was not worthy enough to receive what others had; and two, that I was predestined to be abandoned.
It seems so foolish to me now, and I sheepishly admit it to you, but my lack of worth demonstrated itself through my longing for a coffee maker! Several of my friends had a Krups coffee pot, and I thought this was the ultimate brand for fine coffee. But I would not buy one for myself, because I did not believe myself worthy of possessing the best brand. I contented (or, more appropriately malcontented) myself with coveting the pots of others.
More significant was the abandonment that I believed was an unchangeable condition of my life. I had a mental list of all the people and pets who had left me: my parents had moved to a mid-east country — literally on the other side of the world; my husband wanted and received a divorce, my dog died, my sister-in-law and her husband moved to another state, as did my best friend. And, of course, my children grew up.
But, very slowly at first, wisdom entered my heart.
I began to pay attention to what really mattered, what was a true measure of worth. I had heard that God considered me an object of His love, and therefore of great worth, but I allowed my own foolishness to deny that. But God is tireless – and He continually exposed me to people who cared about me, who considered me of great worth, from my children and grandchildren, to friends, fellow teachers, and my students. Finally, after being inundated with their love, I was able to open myself up to receive His. Did I ever buy a Krups coffee pot? I do not remember; it was unimportant.
And I discovered two truths about the belief that I would be left alone. First, I realized that separation from or permanently ending a relationship was not about me. Being self-centered, I had only thought about how their leaving affected me, not that these decisions were about them, their lives, their choices.
And more important – and life-changing – was the realization that God always provided loving relationships when others had been lost to me. My parents were in Pakistan for 6 years, but during that time, I formed an invaluable friendship with a neighbor who soon became my mentor. The hole left by my husband’s absence was filled with the love of my children and my students. I was able to visit my sister-in-law in her lovely new home, and my friend who had moved to California moved back to Texas. I found good friends in a small group at my church, and good friends among the faculty at my school
And there is One who promises: “I will never leave you nor forsake you” (Hebrews 13:5) – a promise that I cling to and consistently find to be true.
With this new wisdom, I have resolved old wounds, mistaken ideas, negative expectations.
This new wisdom has enabled me to experience gratitude and contentment rather than self-pity or despair. It has been a true gift, a true grace.