In my elementary school, intramural athletics were a requirement. We played volley ball, kick ball, ran track, and (shudder) played softball. Athletics were never my strong suit. The truth? I was clumsy, slow, could not fathom why anyone would want to spend any time chasing a ball around any kind of field or court.
One night, I burst out in tears and fear to my mother, dreading having to go to school the next day. Our 5th grade team was facing the coach’s awesome, gigantic, unbeaten 6th graders in softball. We were going to die. I, personally, was going to be tread under their giant feet. The pitcher would slay me with the ball, the first baseman (should I by some miracle actually make to first base), would trip me up and stomp on my outstretched hand as I made a desperate attempt to slide.
But I had to go to school anyway, although with much encouragement and support from my mother who, I know now, probably worried about me all day long.
And a miracle occurred, for my team and for me. I dreaded – no, wrong word – I was terrified about being up to bat. I could not hit the ball. I had caused my team many outs as I desperately swung, too early or too late. The Miracle? That day, I stepped up to the plate and simply stood there. And I discovered that the pitcher wasn’t able to throw a ball into the strike zone. She walked me. And she walked me every time I went to the plate. Other members of my team got hits, and the final score? Our fifth grade team beat the mighty sixth graders.
I am a radio dial fanatic – if I had a remote, I would be like men I know who cannot stay on a single television station for more than 30 seconds. But cruising through radio stations last week, I landed on a talk about Little League baseball, found the speaker and his story enchanting, and stayed until the end. After the talk, I learned I was listening to a Focus on the Family segment, but I was unable to learn the name of the speaker, or to find his talk again on the Internet.
What do elementary softball or Little League baseball have to do with retirees, other than the fact that many of us find ourselves perching precariously on one of those aluminum bleachers that squat next to small baseball fields? As the Focus on the Family message made clear, participating in this sport is a metaphor for overcoming fear, at worse, or reluctance, at best, to enter into new opportunities. In a previous post, we discussed our mental flexibility, and I came to the conclusion that one thing preventing retirees from leading a full and interesting new life is fear of the unknown, suspicions of new ideas and trends, inability to accept the different. The Focus on the Family message further challenged those attitudes.
When I consider moving out of the comfort of my familiar home to try a new skill, or to meet new people, or to experience a new place, I at first want to cling to the familiar. I tried a new church recently, and then returned to the one I had been attending, and found it so much easier to be there, because I knew the routine and recognized the other members. It is disconcerting to have to meet a new group, to try something new. But it can also hold the possibility of expanding our experiences, of meeting new and interesting people. We can stay home, head under the covers, or we can step up to the plate.
Two thoughts, I believe, are at the bottom of paralysis in trying something new: What will others think of me? What if I fail?
Let’s take those, one at a time. What will others think of me? We all want to be perceived in a good light, possibly because others’ opinions of us impact our own. If I do not achieve acceptance, doesn’t that mean that something is wrong with me? What if someone thinks I am – shudder – old?
I would welcome your responses to that fear – how do you deal with others’ perceptions? But for me, I have found that other people do respond positively to me, particularly if I show that I am more interested in them than in myself. I have joined several groups in my city, a book club, a walking group, a group that sponsors trips to concerts, the theater, and restaurants. And I have found that people of all ages are hungry to talk about . . . themselves. In general, people are not nearly as concerned about us as we think they are – they are too busy being concerned about themselves. And so, in these groups, I have been surprised at the intimacy of sharing that occurs – I have learned all about these lives, about their struggles, about their hopes – in the course of an hour’s walk around a neighborhood. The secret, I believe, to being accepted and esteemed by others is to become a good listener. Chances are good that, if they notice the wrinkles at all, they will be convinced that your age makes you a wise and trusted ear.
What about the fear of failure? In beginning this blog, I knew there was a good possibility that it would never get off the ground. And so, for a while, I postponed writing enough posts to begin. I found many reasons to put off writing, but the real reason was that I knew I could fail. Then I heard the Focus on the Family message, and decided to approach the plate. I became convinced that the process of writing these posts and of risking beginning a blog was in itself the reward I was seeking – the feeling of having a purpose, the activity of writing which is both a creative and a therapeutic process, and the joy – yes! Joy!! – of risk-taking made it all worthwhile, even if I attracted only best friends as readers.
I have a friend who will never read these posts because she refuses to have a computer in her home. I know I cannot speak for her, but I believe her fear is that she will be exposed as someone who does not know how to use this technology. Here again attitude is the key factor: there is always a learning curve in the use of any new endeavor, but the learning process itself can be stimulating. Those who refuse the process because they do not want to reveal their lack of knowledge stay limited in that knowledge.
And so, I encourage you, if you have an idea – something new you want to try, a new group you would like to investigate, a new place you would like to visit — to take the chance. If the feelings of fear arise, know that you are in good company, and then step up to the plate.
4/23/2014