“Old age ain’t no place for sissies” — Bette Davis
Ms. Davis was correct, I think. And yet, even if we describe ourselves as sissies, we will age. We don’t have a choice; we cannot make a cowardly retreat, refuse to enter the battle, explain that we are aging pacifists, and say, “Thank you, I prefer not to participate!”
Retirees must deal with the physical, mental, and emotional changes that go along with aging, and we also have to develop ways to deal with the anxiety that aging seems to generate. One way we attempt to deal with that anxiety is to talk about the process.
We talk to seek reassurance – we compare hip surgeries and forgetfulness, failing vision and difficulty hearing – all to be certain that what we are experiencing isn’t really so remarkable, after all. Everyone goes through it – there is nothing particularly threatening about it.
Facing aging head-on does help us with the growing recognition that this life is indeed all too short. A good friend, whom I met when we were 25 and 26, keeps asking, “How did we get here so quickly? What has happened to our youth ? How did my marriage turn so quickly into widowhood? “
These are good questions, and they are the questions that all people in their 60’s and beyond begin to contemplate. Only arriving at this time in life convinces each one of what he/she has heard – the time goes so quickly – before you know it, your children are grown and then you find that you are now “a senior.” Suddenly, the skin is thin and your arms resemble your mother’s, marred with bruises that you don’t even remember receiving. You come to the realization that the pain you feel each morning is not caused by a bad mattress, but by a bad back, and that it will always be there. You begin to doubt your own memory. You notice that your reaction time in driving has slowed, and so you begin to drive more carefully and endure the impatience of younger drivers who step on it as they pass you, leaving you to watch their self-righteous exhaust.
But those are the realities of aging, and they emphasize that we must find ways to acclimate to the changes that are occurring. I’ve discovered four principles that have helped me adjust, to become more courageous in the face of aging:
1. Face the facts, and adjust to them, to save needless frustrations and even risks:
In a year’s time, my sense of balance changed; now I do not go up staircases unless there is a railing to hold on to. No longer able to keep important information in my head, I make lists to remember them. I watch what I eat, because my formerly cast-iron stomach has suddenly begun to betray me. I have a post-it-note on my door, a reminder to take my cell phone when I leave.
2. Avoid negative attitudes about aging, the beliefs fostered by our youth-worshipping culture.
Reconsider standards of physical beauty: Our society seems to believe that it is impossible to be beautiful in old age, that being old is parallel to being unhealthy, that being old is something to be embarrassed about.
To deal with this negativity, we must first change our own perceptions about and reactions to our age. Look for examples that contradict these negative ideas: one of the most beautiful women I have ever met wore tasteful, classic clothing over a body that was strong and muscled; had shining silver hair, and a face that was remarkable for its wrinkles. Following her example, I will not be embarrassed by crow’s feet and marionette lines on my own face; nor will I spend money on endless promises made by wrinkles to be a reflection of a life that has included a panoply of emotions, a life rich with experience. My new mantra: “Pity the retiree with no laugh lines!”
- Avoid apologizing for age:
Recently, I heard a “senior” customer say to a young sales clerk, “I hope this color (as she held up a blouse) won’t clash with my gray hair, won’t look silly on this old body.” The clerk blinked and said nothing. And I wondered what the older woman was searching for. Perhaps she hoped that the girl would tell her that she looks too young to be old. Perhaps she was just trying to get used to the idea herself. But the truth is that the sales clerk knew her customer was older, and probably didn’t care.
Another weapon: erase from your vocabulary: I am too old to ¼
Yes, have some realistic criteria. The fact is that I am too old to become an Olympic skater. I am too old to have another child. I am too old probably, to run for President. I am too old to suddenly begin to run marathons.
But instead of dwelling on what I am too old to do, I can focus on what I am still young enough to do. I am young enough to learn a new skill, to be excited about making new friends, to conquer long-standing problems, to achieve a life-long dream.
- And finally, try this trick: Realize that your age today will seem young to you tomorrow. And celebrate your youthfulness.
Think back to your last milestone birthday. I thought 50 was a terribly old age when I had that birthday. Now, 50 year olds seem people who have just emerging from adolescence. I reached 70 last summer, and I know that, when I turn 80, I will long to be young again, long to be 70 again. Today, I am 70, and I am celebrating.
What will happen if, instead of becoming anxious about or apologizing for our ages, we begin to embrace and celebrate the advantages? What if we enjoy the perspective that we have from the viewpoint of 60 or more years? (Can you remember the anguish of the teenage years? Can you experience the freedom that comes from no longer caring about peer pressure?) What if we refuse to fear the aging demon and, instead, begin practices that add to our ultimate health and appearance?
I am an expert on aging by virtue of my experience. I share my thoughts here, and invite your comments and additions. Aging is new stage of life, and I am interested in collecting advice from other experts, others who are entering into this factor of retirement – because finding successful strategies to live successfully while at the same time aging can make a retirement all you want it to be. Giving in or giving up because of aging can diminish these valuable years; agonizing over aging makes retirement an agonizing experience.
9/22/2014